Right through the heart.
Have you had days when you feel like everything’s just not right?
I’m having one of those days now and I foresee more to come. Really.
And there are times when it feels like I don’t fit in anywhere. It’s like I can’t find a definite place where I can be fully comfortable and under these conditions, when people reject me or when I’m faced with multiple rejections. It only makes things worse.
When you know you’re the cause of it and you can’t do anything about it to make everyone or things better, you can’t help but ask yourself why are things going downhill. And I’m faced with the irony that it’s a new beginning. Hello 2011, you haven’t exactly been very nice to me.
When I make mistakes, I learn from them but if you don’t already know me, I’ve got a limited amount of memory space in that brain of mine so I tend to push all the unhappiness right to the back of my mind and fill them up with happy thoughts. In other words, I forget and erase what I have to. Maybe that’s why I don’t bear grudges, cos I’m forgetful. My, is that a good thing or not? At least, that’s how I get through or how I TRY to get through when I’m feeling all down and out. And when I make mistakes, I don’t just apologize to get out of it because I know what I’ve done and I truly feel sorry for whatever that I’ve done. I wouldn’t even apologize if I know that it’s even just ridiculous to do so.
And I’ve learnt that sometimes apologies just ain’t enough. It was a very expensive lesson and honestly I’ve no idea how else to redeem myself. How else to prove my sincerity and how else to prove that what I’ve said was merely a state of a lost of control cos’ of the very fact that I was consumed by my emotions. I guess this is why even in the toughest of times, people grit their teeth and pull through because when emotions get the better of people, things just really don’t go their way.
I’ve no idea why I’m submitting and opening up another part of me to the cyber world but yes this is what I’m doing.
I don’t need everyone to understand or like me or accomodate me but at the very least, I need those whom I love to do so because every relationship forged with anyone that has blood running through their veins matter to me. A mutual relationship with anyone matters so much more to me than you can ever imagine even if I don’t show it enough.
I’ve tried everything and right now, I’m just gonna let time do the job and as for myself, I really do need all the motivation & support from within myself to get back on track.
You know how much one means to the other, when one tears for another.
